Thanks to the International Book Fair at the World Trade Center a few weeks ago, I was able to buy most of the Paulo Coelho books I’ve always wanted to buy for myself but never got enough courage to spend my money and buy it at its regular price. I was also able to buy a great book by Mark Haddon, “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time.” My boyfriend bought more. Haha!

NOTE: This is a spoiler of Coelho’s “The Devil and Miss Prym”

I’m currently reading Coelho’s “The Devil and Miss Prym” after finishing Haddon’s “Curious Incident.” Both books are very interesting and as such, are highly recommended by me. Haha!

I realized that lately I’ve been spending more and more time in the comfort room cubicle during office hours. No, not to pee or poo (although, at most times in the comfort room, I do the former), but mostly to read my books – away from the prying eyes of somebody. :p

Yes, I have a lot of idle time at work (if that’s your issue). I finish the bulk of my work at 10 or 10:30 in the morning (work starts at 9:00 am by the way). And then, I either wait for something interesting to happen from that time onwards or ask people if they needed help with anything and offer help if help is needed.

So, back to my book. While I was riding the train earlier, I realized something I feel like I should share. The book “The Devil and Miss Prym” is basically about an “adventure” to find out whether man is ultimately evil or ultimately good. To make the story short, a stranger comes into the village of Viscos and offers the village a wager. If somebody in the village murders somebody else (doesn’t matter who) within 7 days, the stranger awards the village 10 gold bars and the stranger leaves with the realization that man is evil. If nobody dies, however, man is good. In the chapter that I’m currently reading, the village people are planning on committing the murder and splitting the gold equally amongst them. They dream of sending money to their children in the cities so that they would no longer be embarrassed by their financial incapability. Some plan on traveling and enjoying the rest of their lives. Others wanted to build playgrounds and rest houses in the village so that other people would frequent the village and the village would increase its tax collections. They all have dreams – and the only way they think they can realize it is if they get their hands on the 10 gold bars that the stranger was offering.

So, I was thinking what would happen or what would not happen (although I very much doubt this… I’m already very jaded at 22) if the people in Cubao station waiting for the Southbound train were given the same wager. Would they have accepted it? Or would they have remained true to their faith, to what is moral?

I think they would. I think they would kill.

People push other people without concern just so they’d be able to get into the train and get to work on time. There are those who shout telling the ones outside the train to stop pushing because people inside the trains are losing balance or worse, losing ground (literally not touching the train ground because they are slightly being lifted up by other people). There are also those shouting because of pain. Yet there are those shouting so that they could gather enough energy to push people more. And even when the train doors close the shouting continues. People in the front row are now begging the people at the back to stop pushing because once the train completely leaves, they will surely fall into the train rails. But many people continue to push.

But on second thought, maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe, they would decide not to kill but instead torture themselves endless about the loss of the opportunity that was once handed out to them on a silver platter. Because although Philippines is predominantly a Catholic country, a lot of people do not understand their faith and as such, do not live it in everyday. So, given the wager, if they refused to accept, it might only be because of cowardice. They are afraid to kill that’s why they won’t. This is chiefly the morality of most of the people the Philippines – a fear morality.

And it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I know that I love my country but am finding it hard to continue loving it with each passing day. It makes me sad that I have so many hopes and dreams for my country but am finding it impossible to fulfill even just the smallest of hopes and dreams. I am sad – to see my country in such a wretched state.

I don’t know if I want to stay here. I don’t know if I want to leave. I’m somewhere in between – wanting the hardship, the heartache and the disappointment to end but at the same time, hoping things will get better and keep getting better and that I could be part of that which would make things better.

What to do? What to do? I’m confused. Would they kill me if somebody told them that they’d get 10 gold bars if they did? Would they stain their hands with my blood? Maybe. Maybe, yes. Maybe, no.

There could be hope.

If you want to punish me, there’s a really effective way of doing it. First, you do something really nice consistency (e.g. give compliments, give gifts, smile, email, text, call, etc.). Then, you suddenly rid me of that thing. It really doesn’t matter to me whether you have a reason or not for suddenly holding back what has been consistently giving me pleasure. What matters to me is that I don’t get it anymore. I end up missing it and thinking that I must have done something really bad to be denied of that particular thing.

It’s really like a drug addiction. Once you get used to it, you go nuts when you don’t get it anymore.

I think that if there was one quality I would very much like my boss to have, it would be this: to know when to praise and when to deny approval. Sometimes, denying me the usual source of pleasure (e.g. a pat on the back, etc.) motivates me to work harder, to perform better. However, sometimes, when the denial is not in the right place, it can backfire.

But more than hoping my boss would know how best to handle me, denying (or maybe reducing the frequency, etc.) me something that has been consistently given in the past is capable of making me feel really sad (sometimes, bordering depression). Why? Because I’m a mastermind planner. I am also obsessive-compulsive. I like things in order. I like patterns. I enjoy predicting what’s next to happen. I am very quick to notice that which has increased or decreased in frequency and gravity. So, when somebody who used to reply to my funny forwarded messages with even just “haha” (the whole idea is that person sends me emails even if they’re short) suddenly stops sending me emails, things get gloomy for my side of the world. It makes me think if that particular person still feels the same way at the same level of intensity or if I’m regarded as just a nuisance now.

The thing is, if it were up to me, I’d rather have someone who ignores me consistently and then one day, out-of-the-blue, gives me a really nice compliment (I’d be super touched) than someone who consistently lifts me up (sometimes, when you hear the same compliment over and over, you get used to it and it loses its meaning) and then drops me all of a sudden. Surprises lose their ability to surprise when it happens everyday. But when “everyday surprises” are suddenly taken out of everyday, a huge black hole suddenly seems to exist.

My whole point really is: I’m going nuts! I’m not used to absolutely doing nothing (except perhaps pretend that I’m doing something) for approximately 8 hours. I’m not used to eating lunch at 2:00 pm. I’m not used to not receiving emails from this particular person when I get to the office early in the morning. I’m not used to my text not being answered (especially if they have question marks in them). I’m not used being hated by my boss. I’m not used to commuting everyday from Mondays to Fridays. I’m not used to this cold I’m feeling outside and inside me. I’m not used to feeling useless after a tiring day’s work (or non-work). I’m not used to so many things I’ve gotten used to and it’s a little too much to handle especially when you haven’t had your well-deserved rest, when there’s a really nice book beside you that you have been forcing yourself the whole day not to open, and when you know you have to get to reading your boyfriend’s thesis so that you could get to know him better.

I know I have to get out. I hope I do not get impatient and make the wrong decisions. I’m just really frustrated with the way things are happening. Because I’m not used…

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P.S.

Vebs, for the article I submitted to Global Youth Fund, see my previous post (the one before this). :)