I just submitted an essay to Global Youth Fund. The organization is planning on participating for "This I Believe" and they are collating essays for this. As such, my essay is about something I believe in. :p

You can check out my essay here:

http://www.globalyouthfund.org/programs/essay/essays.html

My boyfriend gives it a "B". Although he also says that it's an honest essay. hehe :) Can't honesty merit an "A"? hehe :)

Go on, read it. And then tell me what you think.

It's ok to give it a "C+". But you have to explain - and explain it really well, mind you - why. hehe :)

Btw, honestly speaking, even I don't believe it's an "A" essay. :p

I’m so excited for the long weekend. Can’t wait to finish work and start my R&R. 3 days of vacation!!! My well-deserved rest! :) :) :)

But more than the well-deserved R&R really, I am excited to see a friend for lunch at Manang’s tomorrow as well as to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I am also excited to plan my Southeast Asia (well, ok, it’s just Malaysia and Bangkok…not really the whole Southeast Asia..but at least…) backpacking trip next year with a few friends and my boyfriend. :) I am also excited to bum. Yes, just bum. Laze around, do nothing. Spend 2 hours in the bathroom just pampering myself. Stay awake until the wee hours of the morning and sleep until I’ve run out of dreams to dream. I will be catching up on my music, on my anime, on my cleaning up my space in the computer room, and on so many things I’ve always wanted to do but never got around doing. :)

I’m so excited!!! Hehe :) :) :)

To: well... you know who you are. :)
From: An :p

If I could save time in a bottle / the first thing that I’d like to do / is to save everyday / till eternity passes away / just to spend them with you / If I could make days / last forever / if words could make wishes come true / I’d save every day like a treasure / And then / again / I would spend them with you / But there never seems to be enough time / to do the things you wanna do / once you find them / I’ve looked around and often noted / that you’re the one I wanna go through time with / If I had a box just for wishes / and dreams that had never come true / the box would be empty / except for the memory of how they were answered by you

I’ve been staring at the computer monitor for the longest time now trying to come up with something to write about. But nothing’s coming out. No matter what I think about. No matter how much I force myself to think about something – anything. For a moment there, it felt like the insides of my skull was a complete vacuum. Perhaps, a sample representing the rest of me.

Empty. No matter how much I psyche myself up in the morning. I end up going home empty – and angry, and frustrated – except maybe an occasional satisfaction that I have somehow made the life this particular person miserable (I cannot elaborate, sorry. But it’s really something good when you look at it for this point of view). Of course, they were wrong when they said that it was hard to look for a job. In contrary, it’s very easy to look for one. In fact, if I just weren’t that choosey, I might be in a better paying job already. But the sad truth is, I am choosey. And I do not just want a job. I want something I will enjoy doing. I want something I have a passion for – where I can stay up until midnight (not that I have plans of doing so in any job) and still enjoy what I’m doing; where I take responsibility (as in, real responsibility and not just because I don’t want to be scolded or my ego butchered in whatever way) for whatever it is that I do; where I would whole-heartedly wake up in the morning and go to work; where I feel comfortable and loved and appreciated.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with my current job except that it’s getting simpler. When my “partner” is not on leave, I do not feel as if I’m responsible for anything (because he always puts an effort into checking my work and partly taking responsibility for it). I have trouble imagining myself promoted because sometimes it feels as if the whole company has forgotten me. I get feedback on my mistakes but I never get any for those I do well. I do not feel appreciated. I do not feel loved. I do not feel like waking up in the morning and going to work.

Yes, if you’re thinking that I need to move on, I’m thinking of the same thing too. But I know I should be careful not to move into something similar to the one I am having now. And that’s the hard part. Coz you’ll never know what a particular thing really is until you've immerse yourself fully in it.

I’ve known that life is tough ever since grade school. But it’s tougher now – now that I am fully responsible for myself. I am partly afraid I might not become that which I was born to become. Tougher life. Tougher luck. It’s so hard to be true to yourself when there’s pressure from all sides not to be.

I'm glad it's not just me...

Here's something I got from a friend's blog... replayed, I'd be very happy if you don't sue me for infrigement of copyright (or something like that):

***start
- - - - -
I can't help but think why I get the same answer from friends who I've come across recently and asked how their lives are. The common dialogues would go:

Me: Musta na?
Them: Steady lang.

Puta, di ko alam kung ano meron sa panahon ngayon at lahat kami steady lang ang buhay. It's tantamount to saying Life is neither great nor worse at the moment... but with a slight bias towards the latter in our case.

Maybe it's just because we're getting older by the minute and still lost in circles in what we're supposed to do.

- - - - -
This rat race is all in the mind. Those people who join the race are idiots. The only person with whom you should be racing with is yourself.

The challenge for one's professinal life is to balance stasis and growth. I'm just afraid to lose the passion and drive if I just be too content with what I have right now...

Oh well, (assuming that I'll just be a corporate whore the rest of my life) I still have more than 20 years to go from stasis to growth and back.
- - - - -
***end


Like I said at the beginning of this entry, I'm glad it's not just me... but I hope we'll both be better soon. Don't you just miss college?

Trains.

For those who have never been on one, it might be something to look forward to. Part of the many things one hopes to do before one dies. Something like going bungee jumping one of these days or owning a house and a car. Or maybe, a wishful thinking or a hopeless fantasy. Like becoming a princess or meeting prince charming and living happily every after. Yet again, it might not even exist in the mind, in the hopes and dreams of one who has never seen – never mind ride – one.

For those who have been riding it all their lives, it might be a necessity. It’s not as comfortable as riding a car to work or school, but at least it’s fast. No such thing as a congestion causing a slow traffic of trains in the railway. As a necessity, the obliteration of the railway would cause massive outbursts from those who rely on it on a daily basis. Now that it exists, and the world has seen its efficiency, it cannot cease to exist.

But for me, if I could live without it, that would be great. If I had the resources to drive a car or have somebody drive me from home to work and back, I would spend on it than on the cheap and fast train rides. I commute Katipunan-Cubao, Cubao-Ayala and back everyday at 7:45 in the morning and 6:35 in the evening. Home-Work-Work-Home. And I have to admit, sometimes I find commuting harder than the work I get paid to do (and I don’t get paid for commuting).

I get to Ayala Station every morning at approximately 7:45 only to witness the rather long line for the inspection which is, in my personal opinion, useless. Useless because they really don’t check. They tell you in loud voices to open up your bags, put the stick in your bag when it’s your turn in the line, disarrange a few things inside, and, whala!, that’s it for the inspection. What are they inspecting? What is it that you can’t bring inside the train station and/or carry with you all throughout the train ride that can fit inside an everyday office bag and a bag for clothes? If I were to bring a gun inside the train station, for instance, I wouldn’t put it in the bag. I’d put it under my underwears or something like that. Of course, if I wanted to cause havoc in the train stations, there are million and one ways to do that without them ever finding out. So, inspection – the way my best friends, the security guards, do it – is useless.

After the inspection, if I had a stored value ticket at hand, the entrance to the platform is really very easy. There are no long lines since majority of the people are lining up to buy the ticket. Getting onboard the train, which is next, is the next stress causing agent. Some people are just plain rude. There are those who push without taking into consideration the other people who are in the train and those who are also trying to get on board. There are those who just suddenly get angry as if they’ve been saying excuse me for the past 2 minutes. But they have not! They really just are angry and would like to take it out on the next person who blocks wherever it is that they are going. But the drama in Katipunan is no match for what happens in Cubao - where people are sometimes treated like pigs or bags or just some crappy obstacle into getting onboard the trains.

I am a bit frustrated that I’ve been riding the trains to work and back for a year now and I still can’t think of a way to ease the stress I get from doing so. I am more frustrated that the trains have been in operation for so long and management has not taken steps to alleviate the inconveniences train rides in the Philippines are so well known of. But I am flustered at the many different people I meet at the train platforms everyday who have seemingly forgotten that they are human beings with other human beings – late for work or whatever – trying to get on the train. A little respect goes a great way.

Trains.

I used to be fascinated with the thought of one day riding one to school or to work. I used to be so interested with the way it works and the people I’ll see when I ride the trains. I used to be thrilled with the way it takes me from one place to another in such little time.

I still feel these things now. But I guess, to a lesser degree than before. I am disappointed with the Philippine railway management – they, who can do so much to make other people’s lives so much easier.

Trains and train rides. They’re like a fork in the road. One way taken by the many – a road that leads to butchery. Another way – the road less traveled – a road that leads to respect. Which I will take, I will have to decide soon. I just hope my best friends do not push me to become part of the faceless crowd.

Here's a food for thought:

- - -

Eduardo Calasanz was a student at the Ateneo Manila University, Philippines, where he had Father Ferriols as professor. Father Ferriols, at that time was the Philosophy department head.

Currently he still teaches Philosophy for graduating college students in Ateneo. Father Ferriols has been very popular for his mind opening and enriching classes but was also notorious for the grades he gives. Still people took his classes for the learning and deep insight they take home with them every day (if only they could do something about the grades...)

Anyway, come grade giving time, (Ateneo has letter grading systems, the highest being an A, lowest at D, with F for flunk), Fr. Ferriols had this long discussion with the registrar people because he wanted to give Calasanz an A+. Either that or he doesn't teach at all...Calasanz got his A+.

Read the paper below to find out why.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Partners and Marriage
by Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other? The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together. The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful . If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesnt become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by ourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation.

If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom... endlessly.

My head is terribly aching. And I do not know why. Is it due to lack of sleep? Maybe, I haven’t been sleeping the required 8 hours lately. Is it because of the slight fever I’m currently having caused by God knows what? Perhaps, the fever must have triggered something in my head that caused it to produce a lot – yes, it’s a lot – of those biologically natural pain causing drugs. Maybe. Perhaps. Just a few of the many conceivable reasons for having a headache. But the real reason might not even be one of them.

My head is terribly aching. And, contrary to what my officemates have been complaining about, to me, it doesn’t feel as if the room temperature has gone up. In fact, I feel like I’m back in early morning Salamanca waiting for Sara under the big clock in one of the walls of Plaza Mayor. Am I in hell? I realized I’ve asked myself this question more than once today. Indeed, I find that I’ve been considering Dante’s version of hell lately – hell as cold.

I couldn’t be in heaven of course. Although, sometimes, it feels as if I am every time I think about my boyfriend. If heaven was as good as this, I would want to die now – now that I have not committed the sins I will commit in the future – and be in heaven for all eternity. But I know that that’s far fetched. It’s not yet time for me to die. I am yet to redeem myself from all the mistakes I committed in the past.

My head is terribly aching. And I might never know why. I guess it’s enough for me to know that my body’s not well and that I have to change a few of my habits so that my body would not end up so stressed. It’s also enough for me to know that work is ending soon and soon after, rest will come. And rest I will until tomorrow again.

Such is life.

Just thinking…just thinking about my life and why I don’t feel as happy as I used to. There seems to be nothing missing from it yet I find myself feeling hugely discontent. Although it has not been even a year to some, it feels as if it’s been 10 years since I last saw my closest of friends. And the mere thought of it is making me feel as if I’m missing out something really important on life. But it’s not just that. For the past year and a few months, I’ve been pouncing on every opportunity to volunteer for a cause as if the mere intention of doing so was food enough to guarantee my survival for a few days thereafter. I reason it out as a calling – some kind of moral obligation – to help others. I even go as far as telling myself that everybody gets this kind of calling in one way or another. I could be wrong, of course. Still, I’m hoping I’m right.

Or maybe it’s all just a matter of perspective. Maybe I feel hugely discontent because I see it that way. Do you think that if started thinking about “my favorite things” I’d then start not feeling so bad? Life is not that bad. I have a job; I have a place to spend the night in; I’m 22 and I have the rest of the world to conquer! Or maybe it’s just a matter of knowing what it is I really, really want. Don’t you think so? If I could find myself an end goal and start working towards it little-by-little, even if the journey gets boring at a point or two, knowing that each little step contributes to the attainment of something great, I would find myself at peace with its inner workings. Of course, I could be wrong. But I’m hoping I’m right.

Or maybe I just really need to retreat from my Business As Usual. A week’s retreat would be greatly helpful. But seeing that I cannot even find time to get myself a good night’s rest, a self-induced will do just fine.

Maybe. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. We shall see, won’t we?