I am here now. Fresh out of college. Fresh out of my Euro Study Tour. Fresh. And lost.
I feel like a child gazing straight out into the darkness from a glass window waiting for the sunrise. Waiting, anticipating for something wonderful to happen; something to break the monotonous silence of the night – a ray of sunlight, a string of hope.
Every since I returned to the Philippines, almost everybody have been asking me what’s next. What’s next? I don’t know really. A door has just closed and the windows seemingly have trouble opening. All I know is that I want to live my life the best that I can. All I know is that I want to die contented having known that I was able to live and lived to the fullest. Really, I just want to live. And then die – to find home, to return home. And then, peace at last.
But practically speaking, what’s next? Of course, I know I need to find myself a job. Although rather unlikely, it is possible that I might turn out like my aunt, a bum. I don’t want that. I didn’t beat my ass off for 15 years just to stay home and home forever. I’m vying for Maersk now. It’s a shipping company. It sends its managerial trainees to Denmark to study. I’d like that. No, I’d love that. Denmark and studying, I mean. And I really wouldn’t know what I would do if I didn’t get the spot. As of now, I really don’t want any other job.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
I learned something very important in Europe that I’ve been very afraid to admit until today. What I learned might just hold the key to answering the question why the Philippines remains to be a third world country. But that is not what I would like to write about tonight. Rather, I would like to write about something on a more personal level. That is, what I learned had just made a loser out of me.
I learned that I am very childish – that almost everybody in the Philippines is.
I used to despise people who tried to act older than their age but in the long run fail to pull off a perfect show of maturity. These people tell me I’m childish – “bata-bata-on” – but do they really know what it means to be an adult? The very fact that they traded education for infatuation – some one night stand – and ended up a single parent just goes to show how immature they really are. The fact that despite being reduced to the pitiful financial state they currently are in right now, they still choose to spend what little they have on cigarettes and marijuanas plunges them deeper into despair and thus, makes them more worthy of the term “bata-bata-on” more than I am. The little they know about life, they hate. The little they know about taking responsibility and about being an adult, they take as a bothersome burden they would rather free themselves from. The only thing they know about being an adult is vanity.
I’ve been watching them for a very long time now. They amuse me. I pity them. And for a long time now, I’ve always seen myself as somebody very different from them. When they call me “bata-bata-on” because I couldn’t seem to wipe of the smile off my face, I silently say to myself: grow up but don’t grow old; keep your face oily, it delays the formation of wrinkles; smile, it’s a beautiful world and a beautiful day, if you’re the only one who realizes that, it’s not your lost. And for a time there, I really did thought I was growing up but not growing old. I kept a happy disposition of life despite everything. Every time I felt like sobbing, I always find myself singing: “smile even when your heart is breaking…smile what’s the use of crying…[everything will be alright]…if you just smile.” For a moment, it was perfection for me, in my own little world.
But everything became different after my Euro Study Tour. As I compare myself to Europeans the same age as I am, all I’m left now are the broken pieces of my shattered illusion. I wasn’t any better that those who I once pitied. I was, and still am although I’m desperately trying to redeem myself, very childish. It’s a pretty sad thing to be me right now.
I am childish because I find myself incapable of forgiveness. I find myself childish because I an incapable of saying: “I’m sorry.” Every time I try to, I seemingly find myself overwhelmed by my ego. I am childish because I keep on saying that I would like to join a charitable organization (I’d even become a Jesuit priest if I was a guy) but never got to doing so nor did I get anywhere near defending my cause when Mike, my foster brother in France, took up an argument regarding it. In other words, I am childish because I’m too scared to do what my heart commands me. Moreover, I am childish because I have so many unresolved quarrels – so many unresolved issues. I also keep committing the same mistakes over and over again because I’m too afraid to hurt the people I love…but then, I realized, if I really love them, I’d do what I think is right both us. I am childish because 21 years have passed and I still hadn’t gathered enough self-confidence to know that I’ll make it through alive and very well in this dog-eat-dog world because I am a human being and not a dog. I’m childish because it took me this long to realize that everything is how it should be and that if I wanted to look back at my life during old age, smile, and be content, I should give my best in everything I do in everyday and not just during the best of situations. And, although I “know” that the world revolves around the sun, there are times when I act as if it revolves around me – a childishness I find very hard to overcome. Furthermore, I live a happy-go-lucky life. Belonging to the class AB in a third world country, more often than not, me and my siblings get what we want – a good school, a great computer, an unlimited internet access, travel, access to credit, cameras galore, cars, you name it… I am childish – if not for my parents, I wouldn’t, at the age of 21, be able to support my existence.
I realized that learning life does not end during college graduation. I still have a lot to learn. I’m still a long way from the finish line. Indeed, “what a journey it has been and the end is not in sight.”
I’m keeping up with the race – growing up but not growing old; nourishing the inner child in me as I grow more as a person. Maybe one of these days, when I’ve learned what I needed to learn, I can look back at my life, smile, and be content. I will have then lived a wonderful life at its fullest!
I learned that I am very childish – that almost everybody in the Philippines is.
I used to despise people who tried to act older than their age but in the long run fail to pull off a perfect show of maturity. These people tell me I’m childish – “bata-bata-on” – but do they really know what it means to be an adult? The very fact that they traded education for infatuation – some one night stand – and ended up a single parent just goes to show how immature they really are. The fact that despite being reduced to the pitiful financial state they currently are in right now, they still choose to spend what little they have on cigarettes and marijuanas plunges them deeper into despair and thus, makes them more worthy of the term “bata-bata-on” more than I am. The little they know about life, they hate. The little they know about taking responsibility and about being an adult, they take as a bothersome burden they would rather free themselves from. The only thing they know about being an adult is vanity.
I’ve been watching them for a very long time now. They amuse me. I pity them. And for a long time now, I’ve always seen myself as somebody very different from them. When they call me “bata-bata-on” because I couldn’t seem to wipe of the smile off my face, I silently say to myself: grow up but don’t grow old; keep your face oily, it delays the formation of wrinkles; smile, it’s a beautiful world and a beautiful day, if you’re the only one who realizes that, it’s not your lost. And for a time there, I really did thought I was growing up but not growing old. I kept a happy disposition of life despite everything. Every time I felt like sobbing, I always find myself singing: “smile even when your heart is breaking…smile what’s the use of crying…[everything will be alright]…if you just smile.” For a moment, it was perfection for me, in my own little world.
But everything became different after my Euro Study Tour. As I compare myself to Europeans the same age as I am, all I’m left now are the broken pieces of my shattered illusion. I wasn’t any better that those who I once pitied. I was, and still am although I’m desperately trying to redeem myself, very childish. It’s a pretty sad thing to be me right now.
I am childish because I find myself incapable of forgiveness. I find myself childish because I an incapable of saying: “I’m sorry.” Every time I try to, I seemingly find myself overwhelmed by my ego. I am childish because I keep on saying that I would like to join a charitable organization (I’d even become a Jesuit priest if I was a guy) but never got to doing so nor did I get anywhere near defending my cause when Mike, my foster brother in France, took up an argument regarding it. In other words, I am childish because I’m too scared to do what my heart commands me. Moreover, I am childish because I have so many unresolved quarrels – so many unresolved issues. I also keep committing the same mistakes over and over again because I’m too afraid to hurt the people I love…but then, I realized, if I really love them, I’d do what I think is right both us. I am childish because 21 years have passed and I still hadn’t gathered enough self-confidence to know that I’ll make it through alive and very well in this dog-eat-dog world because I am a human being and not a dog. I’m childish because it took me this long to realize that everything is how it should be and that if I wanted to look back at my life during old age, smile, and be content, I should give my best in everything I do in everyday and not just during the best of situations. And, although I “know” that the world revolves around the sun, there are times when I act as if it revolves around me – a childishness I find very hard to overcome. Furthermore, I live a happy-go-lucky life. Belonging to the class AB in a third world country, more often than not, me and my siblings get what we want – a good school, a great computer, an unlimited internet access, travel, access to credit, cameras galore, cars, you name it… I am childish – if not for my parents, I wouldn’t, at the age of 21, be able to support my existence.
I realized that learning life does not end during college graduation. I still have a lot to learn. I’m still a long way from the finish line. Indeed, “what a journey it has been and the end is not in sight.”
I’m keeping up with the race – growing up but not growing old; nourishing the inner child in me as I grow more as a person. Maybe one of these days, when I’ve learned what I needed to learn, I can look back at my life, smile, and be content. I will have then lived a wonderful life at its fullest!
