I want to start working already – to put the things I learned in college to good use. But more than that, I want to start working because the part of me that craves eternally for creative output is currently weeping and crying for help. There is this voice that keeps telling me that I cannot paint. Therefore, paint, I must. I must work. The voice that tells me that I am incompetent must be put to a stop.

I am excited to work. I miss my “stress” days. I miss working with people and getting great results as payment for the hard work. I miss talking in words only me and my teammates understand. I miss the feeling of being productive and useful as well as needed and powerful. I miss having my brain function and my skills pushed to a particular extent. I miss seeing myself grow into more of myself.

I do not like being a bum. I feel trapped, unfulfilled, and useless. In other words, I feel dead.

4:03 pm in ISLA 3, Salamanca, Spain.

Who knows any language schools in Manila? I want to continue studying Spanish and French, but most especially Spanish. I am at the level wherein I can understand slow spanish conversations but have trouble fomulating sentences. And I don´t want to forget what I have learned.

I miss Philippines. And I am, as early as now, excited to go home. However, I also want to stay in Spain and continue my Spanish studies. I want to learn Spanish like learning to ride a bike - once you know how, you will never forget. When I go back to Spain, I want to be able to speak Spanish fluently. And when I´m in the Philippines, I want to be able to speak my native tongue without forgetting how to speak in Spanish. I want Spanish to be like my English. I want to be fluent in French too...I still have to work on my pronounciation though. But, with a teacher like Professor Diego for french, I´ll get to where I want to be in no time.

I can't believe I'm wanting so many things right now.